This is another story inspired by three randomly-generated nouns: in this case, the nouns were “hell,” “cake” and “town.” I chose to focus mainly on the first two and write a macabre parody of cooking blog recipes. If there’s a point to be found here, it’s probably “don’t come to me for baking advice.” Enjoy!
HOW TO CRAFT A PERFECT DEVIL’S CAKE
By SIMONE DELAROSA
Originally published in Everbleed’s Satanic Almanac, 2015 issue
The two best times of the year are when the weather starts to warm up and when it starts to cool down. Growing up in a large and devout family, we always made big celebrations out of Walpurgis and Halloween. They were my favorite holidays, not because of the costumes or the bonfire dances or the live sacrifices, but because they were the only occasions when dear old Meemaw Lavinia made her famous Salem Devil’s Cake.
No one knows exactly where the recipe came from. Meemaw told us that a distant ancestor of hers bought it from Satan himself at a Walpurgis orgy back in 1502, but Meemaw also liked to make up stories. Regardless, the true value of a recipe comes not from its origin but from the enjoyment it brings. That deep, rich, melt-in-your-mouth chocolate taste never fails to resurrect childhood memories of watching family and friends fight over who got the last slice of Devil’s Cake. As my brother says, a party isn’t a party until Meemaw’s baking results in someone getting a knife to the chest.
Is this cake worth stabbing for? Try out this recipe and decide for yourself. This sinfully delicious dessert is only 666 calories and a great hit at birthdays, weddings, funerals, solstices/equinoxes, seances and any occult ritual.
Your basic ingredients will be semi-sweet chocolate baking squares and cocoa powder, along with flour, eggs, butter and the milk of a black goat. You’ll also need some ground wormwood, brimstone dust and virgin’s blood. If you don’t have any brimstone, regular baking powder is fine. Vanilla extract is an acceptable substitute for the virgin’s blood.
Light some candles in your kitchen, preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit and set your cauldron on the stove. For best results, the ingredients should be mixed in a pewter cauldron over genuine hellfire. But I know how difficult it’s become to find a fireplace sturdy enough to handle hellfire, so we’ll make some allowances for modern technology. Combine the flour, eggs, butter, wormwood and brimstone in your cauldron and whisk until mixed. Next, add the chocolate and cocoa powder while giving thanks to the Dark Lord for his unholy blessings. Add the goat’s milk and virgin’s blood and mix the batter until the chocolate and cocoa are completely melted. The batter should have a strong smell and a thick consistency and be dark brown in color. Taste the batter to judge the flavor. For extra bitterness, add in chopped hemlock root and lizard entrails.
Divide the batter evenly across two round cake pans. Use a rubber spatula to gather as much batter as possible from your cauldron. Before baking, use the tip of a knife to carve a pentagram into the surface of the batter. This will please Lord Satan and make your Devil’s Cake extra fluffy!
Bake the cake for 30 to 35 minutes. Speak hellish chants over your oven to ensure plentiful flavor. To test the readiness of your cake, use a toothpick made from the fingerbone of a birth-strangled babe or drowned sailor. If the toothpick comes out clean, your cake is ready! Sprinkle with baboon’s blood to help cool, then frost with buttercream icing in whatever flavor you prefer and use whatever decorations you like. My preferred method is chocolate-flavored icing and a garnish of strawberry slices. Serve on fine china beneath a full moon. Makes 8 to 10 servings.
Simone Delarosa is the award-winning author of COOKING WITH DAMNED SOULS: PRACTICAL RECIPES FOR THE MODERN OCCULTIST. She lives in Salem, MA with her small army of black cats.